Mallory Edens has a message for Aaron Rodgers.
And buddy, that’s what we’re doing today.
So, I’ve been out of town for a week now dealing with family stuff (never good when someone simply says ‘family stuff,’ so feel free to connect those dots), and we were finally on our way back home yesterday morning.
I felt a round of golf in my BONES as I got up. If I could get us on the road by 10, I’d be back home by noon, and on the course before 2. Perfect. I needed it after last week.
So, naturally, I woke up at 7 and started getting us ready to rock ‘n roll, when my father-in-law yells for me from downstairs. That’s unusual. I knew he was getting ready to drop a Trump-like bomb.
“Contractions have started,” he said.
I paused for about 10 seconds.
“Not gonna lie to you, I’m devastated.” It’s all I could muster.
My sister-in-law went into labor yesterday morning. My wife is the ‘on-call sister’ in the family, and I knew I was cooked.
So, instead of playing golf, we drove straight past my town, and right on through to Georgia. I couldn’t even look at my exit as we drove by. Too sad.
Best part? We had to quickly find an Airbnb on the road, and … let’s just say it ain’t exactly in the Brentwood part of town. Didn’t sleep much last night.
But, as I said, we FIGHT around here. We push through. Thank God it’s a cute kid. Let’s honor him by ending bringing his birth full circle with one final HUMP.
Welcome to a Wednesday Nightcaps – the one where we check in with ex-Mallory Edens as she begs Aaron Rodgers to reconsider his impending retirement.
What else? I’ve got Trump F-bomb memes from yesterday’s masterclass – easily my favorite Trump moment – and then we’ll dive into this absolute LUNATIC mayoral candidate in New York that makes Bernie Sanders seem conservative.
Oh yeah! We’ll also do a quick check-in with Rosie O’Donnell, who – you’ll be shocked to find out – was “overeating” during Trump’s first term.
Say it ain’t so, Rosie! We couldn’t tell. You hid it well!
Grab you literally anything with alcohol in it – I had whiskey and warm sink water in a coffee cup last night at 10 p.m. – and settle in for a Hump Day ‘Cap!
Credit to NYC for testing socialism!
I can’t get enough of this lunatic mayor in New York. I’m mesmerized. Never heard of this dude until this week, and he’s exceeded all expectations.
And by that, I mean the Dems have somehow found someone even crazier than Bernie Sanders. I didn’t think it was possible, but golly, they did it.
From what I gather, the wokes in New York just voted for a dude who hates the police because they aren’t gay enough, wants to take literally all of our guns, and has some wacky idea of government-funded grocery stores.
He also went to the Kamala Harris school of accents, which, frankly, is maybe the most impressive thing of all.
Rosie would love him, though!
I mean, good God. Amazing. This guy is NUTS. Again, I think even Bernie would tell him to take it down a notch or two.
I come from a small town in Florida where the mayor was really just a formality. For example, my wife’s uncle was the mayor of my town for a time recently. I’m not sure that I even knew for the first year.
But in a place like NEW YORK CITY? Whooooooof. This dude is about to wreck that place. When Trump talks about illegal immigration skewing elections, this is what he means.
I do feel bad for the sane folks left in New York, though. I really do. But, I’m also super bummed, because they’re all gonna flock to Florida now. I don’t blame you, at all, but it’s just packed down here. If I see any more oaks cut down for a ridiculous “high-end” apartment complex, I’ll lose it.
Fine! You can come. You’ve convinced me. Just please act right when you get here.
And by that, I mean don’t act – or eat – like Rosie O’Donnell:
Mallory, Trump memes & Gia’s summer content has begun!
Incredible. What a duo! What a full-of-shit duo. Rosie O’Donnell AND Chris Cuomo? You ain’t getting much worse than that.
I don’t know what’s worse? Rosie being a drama queen and blaming her fatness on Donald Trump, or Chris Cuomo sitting there nodding along like a sheep. Chris is probably glad his disgusting brother got beat last night. He’ll be first in line at the Food Stamp store on Broadway next year!
Glad Rosie’s doing better in Ireland, though. Miss her here in the states. Sad.
OK, let’s rapid-fire this final Hump Day class of June into a big Hump Day night. First up? Anyone buying Aaron Rodgers implying that this is gonna be his swan song? I ain’t, and neither is ex-girlfriend, Mallory Edens!
Welcome back to class, Mallory! Been a MINUTE. Good to see you back in the wild now that Aaron’s emerged from the cave with a new wife (allegedly) and a new team.
We’re five weeks out from the Hall of Fame game, by the way, for those who need a little pick-me-up on a slow Wednesday in June. July 31st. Chargers-Lions. Thirty-six days. We’re close, boys and girls. Dial it in.
Next? From Mallory back to Trump, who gave the internet an entirely new meme yesterday that I expect we’ll be seeing a ton of this football season:
The internet was absolutely created for days like yesterday. I despise social media 99% of the time, but it’s crucial during times like this. I could scroll for hours. I did, in fact, mainly because I was in a car for six of them with two kids – one of which gets car-sick every four minutes.
What a week. But hey, we’re pushing through like patriots. It’s what we do. It’s how we’re built.
I’ve gotta run now. I think I just heard another car alarm go off in this neighborhood I’m in.
Thanks, Airbnb. Five stars my ass.
Take us home, Gia Duddy!
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You boots on the ground in socialist NYC? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.
